Picture this: you’re daydreaming about something you truly want. Maybe it’s a bold career move, a creative project, or simply more time for yourself. For a brief moment, you feel a spark of excitement—until a voice in your head shuts it down. That’s unrealistic. You don’t have time for this. What will people think?
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us are masters at shutting down our own desires before they even have a chance to breathe. Whether out of fear, self-doubt, or a desire to fit in, we sabotage the things we want most. The good news? Once you recognize these patterns, you can start breaking free and giving yourself permission to pursue what truly matters.
The Subtle Art of Self-Sabotage
Shutting down your desires isn’t always obvious. It often masquerades as practicality or “being realistic.” But these habits can quietly chip away at your dreams:
- Overthinking Everything: You analyze your dream to death, convincing yourself it’s too complicated or risky to pursue.
- Letting Fear Take Over: Fear of failure, judgment, or even success can stop you before you begin.
- Prioritizing Others’ Needs: You downplay your desires because they feel selfish compared to what others expect of you.
Each time you tell yourself no, you reinforce the belief that your wants don’t matter—a cycle that can leave you feeling stuck and disconnected.
Why We Shut Ourselves Down
Our tendency to shut down what we want often comes from a combination of internal and external pressures.
1. Fear of Failure (or Success)
Pursuing what you want involves risk, and risk can be scary. Failure might feel like a blow to your confidence, while success might bring changes you’re not sure you’re ready for.
2. Internalized Expectations
Society often rewards us for staying in line—for choosing the “safe” career, meeting conventional milestones, and prioritizing others. Over time, these external expectations become internal voices that tell us what’s “appropriate” to want.
3. The Comfort Zone Trap
Staying where you are feels safe, even if it’s not fulfilling. The idea of disrupting the status quo—even for something better—can be intimidating enough to keep you stuck.
4. Self-Doubt
A lack of belief in your abilities can make your desires feel out of reach. You start to question whether you deserve or are capable of achieving what you want.
The Cost of Shutting Down Your Desires
When you consistently shut down what you want, the consequences build over time:
- Unfulfilled Potential: You never know what could have been because you didn’t give yourself the chance to try.
- Resentment and Regret: Suppressing your desires can lead to frustration, either with yourself or others.
- A Loss of Authenticity: By silencing your wants, you distance yourself from who you truly are.
How to Stop Shutting Yourself Down
Breaking free from this cycle starts with awareness and small, intentional shifts. Here’s how to begin:
1. Recognize the Patterns
Pay attention to the moments when you dismiss your wants. What do you tell yourself? Is it fear, doubt, or guilt? Naming the pattern is the first step to challenging it.
2. Get Curious About Your Wants
Instead of shutting down your desires, lean into them with curiosity:
- What excites you about this idea?
- Why does it feel meaningful?
- What’s holding you back?
This practice helps you separate the genuine desire from the fear-based stories you tell yourself.
3. Start Small
You don’t have to overhaul your life overnight. Begin by taking tiny steps toward what you want. Want to write a book? Start with a single sentence. Dream of a career change? Research one new opportunity. Small actions build momentum and confidence.
4. Reframe Risk
Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, consider what’s at stake if you don’t try. What will it cost you emotionally, mentally, or even physically to ignore this part of yourself?
5. Build Self-Trust
Each time you honor what you want—no matter how small—you reinforce the belief that you can handle the challenges that come with it. Trust grows through action, not perfection.
Permission to Want
Many of us wait for someone else to give us permission to go after what we want. But the truth is, no one can do this for you. You have to grant it to yourself.
- Permission to Dream: It’s okay to want something, even if it feels far-fetched.
- Permission to Fail: Pursuing what you want comes with risks, and failure is part of growth.
- Permission to Prioritize Yourself: Your wants matter as much as anyone else’s.
What Happens When You Say Yes
When you stop shutting down your desires, something shifts. Life becomes richer, more vibrant, and more aligned with who you are. Pursuing what you want isn’t about instant success or perfection—it’s about living authentically, with all the messiness and beauty that entails.
So, take a moment to ask yourself: What have I been shutting down? What might change if I said yes to that part of myself?
You don’t have to have all the answers. You just have to start listening—and trust that your wants are worth pursuing. Because they are. And so are you.
